Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood
Exported from Holy-Writings.com on 2026-07-05 - 1 clipping

Source: Bahá'í Library Online (bahai-library.com), curated by Jonah Winters. Used by permission of the curator. Original citation: John A. Davidson, Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood, bahai-library.com.
──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────

Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood

John A. Davidson
Christine Wood
published in The Family: Our Hopes and Challenges

Rosebery: Association for Bahá'í Studies Australia, 1995

If parenting is a tightrope, as some creative title-writing by my
co-presenter suggests, the parenting program may be regarded as a practice area with a low
rope and a safety net where learning with lesser risk may take place. I have been involved
for some years in the construction of Bahá'í parenting programs and also working
with Christine in research and evaluation on Parent Effectiveness Training. The most
important outcome of the work on parenting by the Bahá'í Marriage and Family
Development Committee is a booklet A Bahá'í Parenting Program which has now
been used quite widely in the Australian Bahá'í community and overseas. I will
refer later to this program in more detail.

Let me start by pointing out that there are a number of levels to
parenting programs. A program has a theoretical, or philosophical, or spiritual base; it
also has values and spiritual principles, which guide the practices that are involved in
the program, and at the interface between parent and child, there are the skills which the
parent has to bring to the situation to translate the philosophy and the values into the
practice of parenting. Some of the differences in parenting programs reflect differences
in the source or philosophy which they come from.

When the Marriage and Family Development Committee was constructing a
program, we were using the Bahá'í writings as our philosophical and theoretical
base. This has certain advantages for a parenting program for the Bahá'í community.
One major advantage is that Bahá'ís are committed to and value these writings, and
by using them one can attract a motivation which otherwise may be lacking if the
philosophical base of the program is less respected or less congenial. The philosophy of
the program can be a basis both for changing of values, and for changing of practice. This
is a particular advantage of a spiritually based program in a religious community, but I
believe that every program has some theoretical or philosophical base which one ought to
think about.

My personal belief is that sometimes the philosophical base is less
important than the values and the practice of the program. When it actually comes down to
parenting, I think that what the child first becomes aware of is the practice, and the
feelings behind it, and sometimes if things are done with the right spirit, then they can
overcome a philosophy which may not be perfect. I say this because when I was an
undergraduate psychology student, the reigning philosophy was Behaviourism, which seemed
to me profoundly philosophically inadequate. Yet often when it was put into practice
through programs based on principles of behaviour modification, the people who did it, did
it with a great deal of love and concern, and it came out quite well. In fact, the
principles involved such as reinforcement of desired behaviour, and "time out"
to remove reward for unwelcome behaviour, actually require considerable patience,
thoughtfulness and commitment on the part of parents.

This brings us to the values which are involved in a parenting program.
I'd like to mention a comment from an article written by Ann Stark in Cooperative
Peace Strategies, where she discusses values involved in conflict resolution. She
made, to me, a very interesting point, in that, if we have just the skills without the
values, what we have is simply a technology of control, or a new way of manipulating
people. It is the values which produce the more profound effect, and guide the development
of the relationship. If we teach only skills, and the people who are learning the skills
don't internalise some of the values, we're teaching them to be more effective
in some ways in what they're doing, but the relationship is circumscribed by the lack
of a better understanding. This may be true even though we don't consciously
recognize or think about the values of our parents, or our own values as parents.

I was at a conference which Marjorie Tidman had organised on global
education, a few years ago, and one of the exercises was to think who had been the most
effective teacher in motivating us. I thought back about my early teachers and then
suddenly I realised something that I hadn't realised before, and that was that when I
chose to do mathematics, it was really my father who had most influenced me. Through his
love for mathematical games and mathematical exercises of all kinds, a constant interest
in puzzles, a real spirit of inquiry, (and a considerable disrespect for teachers), he
instilled into me a love of mathematics and problem solving. I realised that this was a
value which he had transmitted to his family more effectively than any formal education.
Perhaps this is typical of the transmission of many values.

Finally we come to skills, and skills are of critical importance,
because even if we have our values, if we don't have the skills, then we can't
translate the values into practice. If programs are based on values or principles it is
essential to have a wide range of exercises which address the issue of translating the
principles into practice, particularly when the needs of the child must be understood and
responded to, or when there is a concern by the parent or some conflict which needs to be
resolved.

The major issues addressed in A Bahá'í Parenting Programme
are:

Attracting your child to spiritual ideals, which involves
attracting them to learn and recite short prayers or passages of the Sacred Writings,
training them in love and kindness, giving them confidence, and teaching them to respect
the Law of God and the rights of others;

Expressing love in tangible ways, which is based on stories and
examples from the life of ‘Abdu'l-Bahá;

Communication and family relationships, which includes mutual
respect between parents and children, courtesy, taking an interest in what children are
doing, taking time to listen, and discussing Bahá'í teachings and values with them;

Family consultation, which includes the principles of
consultation applied at a family level;

Discipline, which discusses encouraging what is good and guiding
or correcting without using physical or verbal abuse;

Building a sense of Bahá'í identity in the home, which
includes celebrating Feasts and Holy Days, hospitality, and inviting people who wish to
learn of the Bahá'í teachings;

Protecting the light of the spirit, which covers the avoidance
of talking about people behind their backs, avoiding nagging or harsh criticism,
overcoming resentment and jealousy, helping children to fight their spiritual battles and
teaching them to be truthful;

Prayer meditation and deepening in the home, which raises the
question of how to prevent the spiritual aspects of life being submerged beneath the
demands of everyday concerns;

Literature in the home, which looks at the importance of
encouraging children to select and value literature;

Equality of the sexes, which looks at family roles, equal
education, choice of occupations and participation in the world at large.

The program presents a variety of issues, values and principles which
are important from a Bahá'í point of view in parenting and the education of
children. You can see that it is not highly theoretical in the way it's constructed,
but it focuses on what are perceived to be crucial needs in the area of parenting. It is a
values-based program, based around values such as equality of the sexes, just to take one
example, and its effectiveness depends on a willingness of parents to think about and
systematically apply the values in the multifarious aspects of the life of an individual
family. The greatest risk in such a program is that it is used only for
"consciousness raising" and does not, in a significant way, impact upon actual
practice.

Other parenting programs such as PET (Parent Effectiveness Training) or
STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) are based on somewhat different
philosophies, and begin by identifying and systematically teaching a body of skills. This
is the point at which I pass the baton to Christine to talk about her experiences as a
parent and a Trainer in Parent Effectiveness Training...

I have been working for thirteen years with the program which is called
PET, Parent Effectiveness Training, and in Europe "Gordon Training", after its
founder and author Thomas Gordon, who is an American clinical psychologist. The program is
skills based; the chief skills taught are listening skills, appropriate assertiveness,
problem solving and conflict resolution. I think that these can only enhance family
relationships. They fit in with all the aspirations of mankind today for peace. Without
them I think that peace will be very difficult to achieve. A transcendent basis, a form of
spiritual values, whatever one has, will give special life to the program. In family life,
I think that the values communicated by the parents are the values which the children will
take up, but they are much more easily taken up in a context of communication skills. PET
is a program which enables people to learn and practise skills. It is a very practical
program. Without it, in today's context, it is very hard to pass on values. We have
looked at the kind of life we have today through the eyes of many of our speakers and in
our workshops. We know that we are living in a society which as a whole does not value
things of the spirit. It is a material society, and as parents we have to compete for
example, with television, which has invaded our homes. Whether we like it or not, whether
we turn it off or not, it is there, and very often its values are not our values. We have
to compete with electronic games, we have to compete with the media. We need to be
strongly based, and to have at our fingertips the best of communication skills.

Listening skills are disarming. If we can listen to our opponents, and
show them we understand, we have taken a very large step towards negotiation and
agreement. If we are sure of our values and can be assertive, without being aggressive, we
have taken another large step. And then if we can step forward and negotiate, we are very
much on the way to peace. Without those skills it is really difficult. In a parenting
context, with PET we are using these skills with our own children. And the things that I
have learnt, having painfully acquired the skills, have changed the way I think. I was a
very traditional parent, raised in a family which was kindly and listening, but where
traditional ways of parenting were the norm. With my first three children, I literally
believed that I had to mould them and impose my values, because I saw that as my duty. I
learned otherwise halfway through my family, so I have a control group of three. For the
first three I didn't have PET, whereas I did for the second three, and it was much,
much easier. Even allowing for my own growth and subsequent maturing, PET was a major help
and I can recommend it.

More than that, among the things that I have learned is that enthusiasm
for your values is more than persuasive. As John said he learnt a love of mathematics from
his father, although it was never formally taught. I learned a love of books from my
father, and I think I'm now addicted to books but I'm glad! Besides having
enthusiasm, I think respect for the children is essential. When I grew up,
not necessarily in my family, but in society as a whole, respect was one way: you
respected people because of their position. You respected people above. People above
didn't necessarily respect you. That was not the way it worked. What I have learned
now is that mutual respect leads to mutual problem solving, and as the
Bahá'í philosophy shows, so does, for example, respect between husbands and wives,
between parents and children. Today's child does not respect unless respected, and
that is a fact of life.

I think that, on another level, we could look at the child as we would
regard a beautiful rose plant needing the right environment. Everything is there within
the child for its best development. We need to give the best conditions we can. Sometimes
a little judicious pruning is a help, but always with respect for what the plant is.
Always valuing. A child who grows up in a home knowing love and being loved, has been
given what is really essential for best development. As a psychologist, (and I guess it is
the same for many here who are psychologists or are counsellors), I have worked with a
large number of people whose parents gave them many material advantages, gave them
education, gave them the things they needed, but didn't appear to give them love. And
there are people, in their fifties, their sixties, their seventies, still agonising over
whether their parents really loved them. In those days a parent would have said "Why
would I do all this If I didn't love you? But the difference in saying "I do
love you" or "I love you" rather than expecting that this knowledge will be
picked up on the way, is very great. It is really important in my view, to say
"I love you", and I learnt that through my PET.

APPRECIATE! It is important, wherever possible, to show appreciation
for what a child has done, rather than disapproval for what has not been done. It is
really wilting for a child to grow up in an atmosphere of disapproval. Encouragement is a
thousand times better than disapproval, yet in my experience, most parents find they
usually work the other way around, as I used to do. But with PET, for example, I
discovered, when my children were starting to wash up, it was much better to WAIT to be
able to say "I was delighted this morning when I came into the kitchen and everything
was so spic and span" rather than leap in at once with "My word, you've got
a lot to learn about how to clear up and leave everything nice". With my first three
(as I say I've a control group) I used to say aggressively "Clean up the
bathroom when you've had your shower!" "Put your dirty clothes in the
hamper!" "Put your towels out in the laundry!" and I had to say it every
day, again and again. With PET I learnt to say "I was really pleased you left the
bathroom so beautiful for the next person". Of course it had to be honest. I had to
explain and be patient. I had to wait till I could truthfully say it, and with some
things I had to wait for a long time! But this is an interesting fact. I have five
children away from home and sometimes the older ones come for a visit. Guess how they
leave the bathroom! Towels on the floor! I'm sure they don't do it in their own
houses. But the younger three whom I encouraged rather than blasted, leave it tidy.
There's an experimental result for you!

Perhaps I should explain just how I learnt to handle this sort of
thing. First, I had to be clear about what I really wanted. It's a bit like a
hierarchy of statements. "Will you please hang up your towels, and put the dirty
clothes in the basket" is the beginning. "I would like you to put the dirty
clothes in the basket" is next. Then we go to a Statement Without Blame - in PET it
is called an "I-message", because it is framed in the first person by the
speaker. Listen carefully, because it aims to get behaviour change without escalating into
a conflict. Part 1 is a description of the behaviour without blame, "When you
leave your clothes on the floor in the bathroom..." Part 2 is an honest description
of the speaker's feelings " I feel really angry and frustrated..." and Part
3 is about the cost, in terms of time or money "because I have to pick them up and it
makes me late for work!" The alternative is frequently a "You- message" -
"You are completely selfish" "You make me so angry!" "You are the
absolute end!" Sounds familiar? People in courses sometimes say "But I'd
never be able to spend the time learning all that stuff, I like to get a quick
result". It's not a quick result if you have to keep on and on saying it, and
what is more, if you do keep on, you turn into a Nagger. "I-messages" are often
surprisingly successful, but there is sometimes a snag, especially if you have become a
nagger. "Aw, Mum, you're just so fussy!" Here is another trick. Change your
tack for this one. Go straight back to listening skills. "You think I'm always
on at you?" "You are!" Back to original statement "Well, I have to ask
you because it makes me really late in the morning, picking up your stuff, and I feel
really desperate sometimes". "Sorry, Mum, I didn't realise, I'll try
and do it". "That's my girl!". You might have to persevere for a
while, but many parents have told me in awestruck tones "It really works!" And
they add that because it works, it is time well spent, and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING compared
with the old-style never-ending fights. It should also be said that lots of parents have
pointed out that actually practising the skills as the course proceeds is the secret of
success.

Another thing I would like to say is "Seize the moment!" when
the child evinces enthusiasm. With my first two, for instance, when they asked if they
could make pancakes with me, and I had them running around, and maybe I was expecting the
third, I'd say "Not now, we'll have a session on Saturday", and they
completely lost their enthusiasm until much later when they were at senior school and
learned cookery. Whereas with my third child I'd say "OK" and I'd say
to myself "Oh well, there'll be a mess but it won't matter" and
we'd do it together. She's a chef now.

PET is skills based and grounded in the essential values of respect,
empathy, genuineness and acceptance of the other. From PET I learnt that families matter,
children matter and parents matter. PET is also a vehicle for the parents' personal
values, and when they are working well with it, their own spiritual philosophy shines
through. It is a truly effective way of communication. A family therapist well known in
the United States has said that PET offers the means for "communication at its
best". I think that has been proved true in my life, and I have had many letters and
feedback forms from participants in the course who have said the same. Part of my work,
both theoretical and practical, has been to evaluate PET, and I have plenty of concrete
evidence of its worth.

In response to a question, I agree that it would be a major omission to
leave out the effect of peer pressure on our young people. It is an outside influence and
it has a vast effect. I remember how my eldest child at fourteen was adamant that she
would not be seen dead wearing white socks. I thought it was quite ridiculous, and we had
quite a few pairs of white socks. But it was more important to her at that time than
almost anything else. If I had been skilled and really listened to her, I would have been
able to say "You feel really upset having to wear white socks" instead of
"Don't be so silly, they're only socks." I would have learned
to my utter astonishment that for her peer group white socks had a sexual connotation, and
if I had been able to problem-solve she would have been equally surprised to find that I
was open to solutions other than insisting she wear them. It would have been possible for
both of us to be happy about the outcome if we had worked through the steps of no-lose
conflict resolution.

We have also to remember that our children today have a lot more
information and education in many areas than we could possibly have had. To be credible,
we need to be able to appreciate their knowledge. That is also a good basis for our
respect for them. As to passing on our values, we have been given as they have, the
possibility to know and love God as our Creator. We need to foster our appreciation that
they too have that possibility, and "seize the moment" to pass on our
understanding with enthusiasm whenever it arises. Any means that we can take to help us
arrive at our transcendent destiny will benefit us all and benefit the peace of the world.

References

Gordon, T. (1975). P.E.T. : Parent Effectiveness Training, the
tested new way to raise responsible children. New York: Plume Books.

Gordon, T. (1992). Teaching children self-discipline at home and
at school. Sydney: Random House.

Marriage and Family Development Committee. (1990). A Bahá'í
Parenting Programme. Sydney: Bahá'í Publications Australia.

Stark, A. (1992). Conflict Resolution. In J. Davidson & M. Tidman
(Eds.), Cooperative peace strategies (pp. 81-89). Sydney: Bahá'í
Publications Australia.

Wood, C.D. (1992). Parenting programs. In J. Davidson & M. Tidman (Eds.), Cooperative
peace strategies (pp. 67-80). Sydney: Bahá'í Publications Australia.

METADATA

Views6273 views since posted 2011-10-14; last edit 2024-07-08 21:51 UTC;

previous at archive.org.../davidson_wood_parenthood
Language
English
Permission
fair use
History
Proofread 2011-10-12 by Jonah Winters.
Share

Shortlink: bahai-library.com/2821
Citation: ris/2821

select Collection:
Archives
Articles
Articles-unpublished
Audio
Bibliographies
BIC
Biographies
Books
Chronologies
Compilations
Compilations-NSA
Compilations-personal
Documents
East-asia
Encyclopedia
Essays
Etc
Excerpts
Fiction
Glossaries
Guardian
Histories
Introductory
Letters
Maps
Music
Newspapers
NSA-documents
NSA-letters
Personal
Pilgrims
Poetry
Presentations
Resources
Reviews
Scripts
Software
Statistics
Study
Talks
Theses
Transcripts
Translations
UHJ-documents
UHJ-letters
Video
Visual
Writings

home

sitemap

series

chronology

search:
author

title

date

tags

adv. search
languages

inventory

bibliography

abbreviations

links

about

contact

RSS

new
-- Walking the Tight-rope of Parenthood (Used by permission of the curator)